Wednesday, 7 April 2010
He wished me happy Easter and wanted to shake my hand
I told him I wasn't a Christian and I had no money
Tuesday, 2 March 2010
When I was about thirteen years old, I remember coming home late to an empty house and turning on the T.V to be greeted by, what appeared to be, another 30 minutes of current affairs bullshit. It wasn't until an interview with the deputy leader of Sinn Fein, Rory O'Connor, that I realised something was very wrong and it wasn't until the interview finished, with the helium induced squeal of Mr O'Connors words resonating through the tiny speakers of our late 80's television that i finally made my decision.
'your tone is antagonistic and your making me very angry'
I nearly pissed myself
To my relatively uninformed thirteen year old mind the preceding fifteen minutes, however absurd, had been standard news worthy fare. The set was remarkably well constructed, the reports all believable, the stories utterly common but this was the day that i was to discover the great British satirist Chris Morris.
And so, after twisting my fragile mind with the surreal 'Blue Jam' and ruining my urinary control with 'The Day Today' and 'Brass Eye', Mr Morris returns, after many years, with his first feature film 'Four Lions'. It premiered at the sundance film festival this year and apart from the link below I have very little to say about it except that I eagerly anticipate its release. Follow the link, watch the clip and tell me that terrorism is a new phenomenon!
Wednesday, 24 February 2010
Waiting for things is frustrating!
So after being suitably teased by the devilish cover of Imperial Bedrooms, Brett Easton Ellis' new novel, I was a little disappointed to discover that its not out until July!..........July!
One of my favourite authors of modern times, Mr Ellis is responsible for the hedonistic depravity of Glamorama, American Psycho and Lunar Park and has continually painted the American cityscape with unrivaled luminosity.
Imperial Bedrooms is the long awaited, if not a little surprising, sequel to his first novel, Less Than Zero, and follows the anti hero, Clay, now a middle aged screenwriter, through the glamour and the gutters of L.A.
Sunday, 21 February 2010
Old Dirty Bastard is DEAD! (LAUGHTER)
Hannah..that has got stains all over it
Oh Hannah you can't wear that...................that was meant to go in the bin
yeah.......i dont have any clothes because Hog actually really did take all my clothes out of the suitcase................Hog?
This is all I have.....here
kate i'll have to go to your house
What are you going to wear tonight?
kate we'll go to your house
I didn't bring any extra clothes
That jumpers fucking rank
oh no it is it is really is...(laughter)....get it off
there's a real nasty stain on the back
look at her hair as well
I've got a hair brush in my bag
Hannah Hannah super scratter.
stop throwing your neck about like that as well.
I've just found out ODB is dead
Wednesday, 17 February 2010
TALIBAN 'lining up human shields'
and the speculation surrounding the televised confession and one man's subsequent fight to raise the public's awareness of celebrity euthanasia......
MERCY KILLING CONFESSION PROBED
Both of these stories were eclipsed by the violence that exploded onto our laptop screens on early Wednesday morning (17/02/10) depicting a scene reminiscent of Hitchcock's The Birds as avian terror rained down from the relative safety of Toronga Zoo. The BBC were quick to release the graphic video of the incident and described how the 30lb Pelican brutally 'attacked' and 'launched at' the defenceless Steve Jacobs as he presented the morning weather on Australian channel 9. The shocking scene was further compounded by Mr Jacobs' colleague and anchor man continually goading the panic stricken presenter with taunts of 'you love it' and deriding him as a worm on live television.
In what was initially seen as friendly banter between Marnie the pelican and Mr Jacobs the touching display of mans bond with nature soon turned ugly when, hidden by an animated map of Australia, the bird struck out, pinning the horrified presenter to the wall. Mr Jacobs was understandably petrified and could be heard to scream like a little girl as he begged for help from Marnies keeper who led the crazed bird away from the cameras with her fish.
The weather team were originally at the zoo to highlight its bio-diversity campaign in which certain species' of animal are trained to work with other species' for the entertainment of the slack jawed public. In this case Marnie the pelican had been assigned to the seal enclosure and was about to perform when he lashed out at the unsuspecting Mr Jacobs. What has since come to light is the zoo's animal training policy had far more sinister intentions than a simple family day out and had begun to amass an army of large birds and other animals that could, theoretically, respond to the zoo officials' every order. In totally unsubstantiated reports one unnamed source broke down under interrogation and described '....fruit bats carrying CS Gas, bears with shotguns and monkey archers mounted on Siberian tigers' in an sensational confession.
In response to this attack and the horrifying revelations surrounding Toronga Zoo, the Australian military have completed a covert operation to disarm the 'organic airforce in an effort to reduce suicide parrots, systematically destroying all animal life in the process.
Mr Jacobs has since told of how he has been 'mentally scarred' by the incident but his declining psychological state means he is unavailable for interview
I would just like to make it clear that i couldn't give a shit if;
you've recently returned from an X-Factor audition
your child has won 'Little Miss Swindon 2007'
you passed Alan Sugar in the street
your utterly misguided religious beliefs have given you success in the workplace
you believe that bankers deserve their excessive bonus'
you believe that bankers don't deserve their excessive bonus'
you think Eminem is a modern poet
you think Britney Spears is a role model
I'm not listening.
Nobody is listening.
In fact, the next time you feel the need to drone on about Simon Cowells musical genius, Katie Prices current romance, or Garry Glitters latest transgression, just take a moment to place your mouse in the hole that produces all of this inane and nonsensical chatter, wrap the cord around your neck, proceed to beat your stupid face with the computer keyboard and then publish whatever turns up on your screen as you fall choking to the floor. It will be infinitely more interesting.
Opinions are for idiots and so I will leave you with the opinion of a drunk, who in your opinionated eyes probably doesn't deserve an opinion and yet speaks more wisdom below than you will ever manage in a life time of opinionated blogging!
'............and that's still not enough so you go home and then you write blogs in the middle of the night cause you haven't had your opinion heard enough.......... you'll probably blog about this segment 'Doug Stanhope ruined Newswipe, why is that fat headed alcoholic on this show, get rid of him.'
You know what? there's a good chance I might stumble across that blog when I'm sitting alone, in some hotel room and I'm....... in the middle of the night and I'm I'm drinking vodka and yoghurt cause I drank all the mixers out the mini bar and yoghurt is all I have left from breakfast when I thought I could eat solid food but I was wrong. and I'm gonna find the blog where you say I suck and it'll hurt my feelings. So let me circumvent your blog before you even write it by answering, in kind
Go fuck yourself.
I dont care what your opinion is.'